Day 16 – 5:00pm in Spain – Community

I’ve had so many positive messages from all of you coming my way.  When I couldn’t have positive thoughts about this experience at the end of my day yesterday, I have been showered by yours.  Community is always a much better place than where any of us go by ourselves.    I have this joking comment about my own mind. . . “It can be a dangerous place to go unescorted”.  I’ve tried to keep this blog real which is why I posted that sad picture of my tears and told you where I was yesterday at the end of the day.  The tears would not stop flowing.  I did take a taxi to the next town this morning and as I rode in the car, tears were falling as I watched the other pilgrims walking their way forward.  Here are some of the comments that have resonated with me since last night’s posting:

This may not be the Camino I planned but it is the Camino I am having.

Be open to change.

I am an inspiration.

I’ve accomplished so much already.

Take care of my body.  Rest if I need it.

Trying is never a failure.

Regardless of what I do, stay, come home, ride a train to Santiago, it’s all a success.

I’ve always taken care of everyone else; it’s time to take care of me.

Let me tell you about my day today.  It’s truly been a gift.  I took the taxi to my current stop at 10:30 this morning.  It’s a cute town (not all of them are; some are barely a town).  I got my room right away!  It’s next to a pilgrim store and right across the street from the church.  There is a laundromat 1 block down, an ATM 2 blocks down and a pharmacy 3 blocks down.  A hot tea and a chocolate croissant with my name on it was less than a block away.  I first went to the church and prayed.  I thanked God for all my blessings.  I asked for guidance on what I should do.  I asked for what lessons I am to learn.  I prayed for another soul – this time it happened to be my daughter Maureen.  I did my laundry which is a big happy experience for any pilgrim.  I bought more ibuprofen.  Got some more money and then returned to my room for an afternoon nap.  I’m not even sure if I fell asleep but I feel better.  My right ankle swelling has not improved.

What have I learned?  

Mourning is necessary – I know my tears last night and even the ones I shed this morning during that taxi drive are representative of my mourning the Camino I planned to have.  And that is good, healthy and necessary even if it feels sucky.  I know I am like us all who don’t like icky feelings and we want to move past them quickly.  I know we all do ourselves more harm by not mourning or trying to keep it at bay.  We think if we keep the icky feelings from taking over, they will dissipate. We think we can somehow avoid them.  This is so not true.  In our attempts to avoid, we prolong the inevitable.  We must go thru the pain, the mourning to get to the other side.  And we never have to go through it alone even when we feel alone.  Community is always better than flying solo.  You all reminded me of that by all your wonderful responses.

Be Present –  I don’t have the answers but they will reveal themselves to me when I am ready.  Thus I have not made any decisions about my immediate future except to try and stay in the present and accept whatever is coming my way.  I will listen to my body and learn what it is saying to me.  I don’t yet know if I will walk tomorrow.  I do know I am staying in Spain for at least one more day.  Will I make it to Santiago?  I don’t know.  I really would like to.  I really want to lay down my burden rock and pray about it.  Time will tell.

Let go of my plan – this one is hard since I’ve always planned.  I’ve always worked since I was 16.  I currently am not working.  My circle of risk is very tight around my being.  I’ve purposely stepped outside my comfort zone in so many ways on this trip.  Just planning it and training, traveling by myself, writing a blog and exposing myself.  You all have welcomed me and my struggles with open arms.  You even tell me I’m an inspiration.  Perhaps I am to lean into this comfort as I try and let go of my plan.

My perspective is distorted – All the wonderful comments I’ve received about being an inspiration, I’m courageous, expressed gratitude for sharing my experiences are foreign to me.  I do think this is a life-long lesson for me.  I have never really accepted positive feedback about myself.  About my worth.  About my impact on others.  As a student I earned all these high marks and a few awards and I never thought I was that good.  As a leader in my roles as a resident assistant in college, a mother, a manager, a spouse I never really thought I was doing it well.  I was always looking for outside messages but even if I got them, I somehow discounted them.  Where does that come from?  I think it’s deep in my core, developed when I was very young.  I will elaborate on this another time as this post is already long.

I will post some pictures soon.  The gaps started with poor internet, then a blackout and then yesterday’s brokenness.  What is that Japanese art form that puts broken pieces back together with gold?  I have the gold within me placed there by all your love and support.

Blisters: 2 (1 day older so less painful)

Swollen lower leg: right

Dirty clothes: Zero!

Open wound: Zero; it is healing nicely!

Experienced a bathtub and handheld shower head but no shower curtain: twice

Vino Tinto: almost daily!

Buen Camino