Day 29 – I’m still learning

I was walking today to Samos to see the monastery.  It was early and I hadn’t seen anyone yet on the route.  I knew someone was coming up behind me as I could hear them coming.  My thoughts turned negative about what I would do if this person behind me attacked me.  What a terrible and random thought.  The person walked by me and she was young, lovely, smiled and wished me a Buen Camino.  She didn’t look anything like the larger, strong guy I envisioned walking behind me.  Why would I have such a negative thought and of all places while walking the Camino?  I mean that is some messed up zen.  My next thought was the answer.  It’s that thinking of mine that is telling me I don’t deserve to get what I want.  I want to walk the Camino today and discover the monastery but on some level, it makes more sense to me that this is not what I’m going to get purely because it is what I want.  I realized it’s that lesson I am trying to learn about being worthy.  Papa is merciful and loving.  Why would He put a desire in my heart and then snatch it away from me before I get it.  That is cruel.  It’s inaccurate, old thinking about how I am not worthy to get what I want.  The other day in talking to Papa I confessed that I don’t want to turn my life over to Him because He is going to take away from me the desires of my heart.  Right or wrong, the thing that I thought about that would be taken from me is golf.  I love to play golf.  I love being outside, challenged by a crazy sport and playing it with friends.  It takes a long time to play but I love it.  I love being outside for hours, walking and being challenged.  Papa knows how much I love to play golf.  When I realized I thought turning my life over to Him had me believing He would take golf away from me I heard “Why would I do that?  I put that desire to play golf in your heart.  Why would I want to then deny that to you?”  I didn’t have an answer to that question.

I remember having this same conversation with Papa years ago.  He told me the same thing then.  I seem to have a really hard time believing it is okay for me to receive what I want.  I don’t like to admit any of this.  I like to be a positive person.  I realize I apply that positivity to everyone else but not myself.  I’ve still got some learning to do.

Blisters: 1

Traumatized toe: 1

Tears: yes, on the trail when I heard about Papa’s answer to my love of golf

Pilgrim mass: attended today in Sarria.  It was in Spanish so I’m not sure but I think there was a pilgrim blessing

Tomorrow: shorter day; walking 13 miles

Rain: not likely

Buen Camino