Day 27 – Worthiness
Walking to O Cebreiro (top of another mountain)
I had such a wonderful experience at the home I stayed at last night. Jeff opens his home to pilgrims and he does it because his own Camino experience restored his faith in humanity. He wants to create that community experience for all of his guests and that is what happened when I was there. Over dinner, each of us talked about why we are walking the Camino. Al told his story first and he started walking the Camino because he wanted to be able to say good-bye to his wife. She died 2 years ago by suicide. On the second day of his Camino, he met a woman who heard this and all she said to him was why do you have to say goodbye to her. She is with you. This changed Al’s entire focus of his Camino! He got so much comfort from this comment and that is all she said to him. I guess you could say he had a paradigm shift. What a story to share with us over a meal. Each of us having just met one another.
As I started my walk today, I was saying a prayer of gratitude for such a wonderful experience. I was marveling at how soul-enriching this experience is for me. I cannot say I have such experiences regularly in my life and then I felt a feeling that I can’t have such wonderful experiences. My next thought was “I am not worthy to receive such gifts”. I do believe Papa was talking to me at this point because my next thoughts are new thoughts and they don’t come from my brain, my beliefs or my past experiences. I hear in my head, “These are the kinds of experiences I want you to have regularly. You are worthy of these. Stick with me kid and these kind of events will be more frequent.” Now I start to cry as I walk. I get hung up on this concept that I am worthy. That is foreign to my thinking. I ask myself, when did that happen in my life. When did I “lose” the belief that I am worthy. I figure it happened when I was really young. . . maybe in my first 5 years. Recall I previously talked abut how I never felt I was right or good enough. Having those kind of thoughts certainly doesn’t lay the groundwork for being worthy.
And then to learn that if I stick close to God (meaning I let Him drive my cute little yellow car), these soul-enriching experiences will be more regular in my life. I bet I walked for over a mile just pondering these thoughts. The day moves on with rain, rain, rain. I am in the mountains and this weather is very common. It kind of reminds me of the Pacific Northwest where everything is lush and the clouds seem to be at eye-level. I had a tough schedule today because at the end of a 15 mile hike, is the last 6 miles of straight uphill. I mean steep. I am gradually going uphill all day but then the climb really starts to happen. Jeff (amazing host) advised me to take a taxi for 3 miles at a certain point and then walk the rest of the way. For those 3 miles I don’t miss any views because I am in the woods. When I start walking again to the top of the mountain, I will see stunning views. I take his advice.
Okay now comes another amazing thing. I get the taxi about 3:00 and he only speaks Spanish. I tell him where I want to go and he understands but he keeps talking about something else. The translating tool is not getting the right translation so I don’t understand what he keeps talking about. Only when he is dropping me off do I get what he is saying. He picks up my backpack and holds it like one does to emphasize it’s weight. He is telling me that he will take my backpack to my hotel at the top of the mountain so I can walk the steep climb without a bag on my back. He says take only what I need and he’ll get the rest to my hotel. I ask him how much and he say “nothing”. He says “Buen Camino”. I take him up on his offer and I take only what I need. I start walking my climb and “Trust” comes into my head. I am trusting him that he will do as he says. I am believing that God is giving me another soul-enriching experience because he knows I need some more evidence of being worthy. I start to cry as I walk. This taxi driver doesn’t know me at all. He is getting no benefit from doing this extra work for me. It comes from the kindness of his heart. . . extended to me. . . a nobody to him. Why is he doing such a wonderful thing for me? “Because you are worthy Trish”. I bet I walked for 30 minutes not even looking at the stunning views around me. I can’t believe there is such kindness to me. . . unearned. I do believe today’s events are working to get me to realize I am worthy.
And don’t think this story is all about me. It’s about all of us. All of us are worthy. We are worthy because we are beloved children of God. We don’t have to earn His love. We don’t have to attain worthiness. We are loved. We are worthy.
I digress to another story here but its where my mind went today in these experiences. I come with a history of dealing with alcoholism in my family. I’ve attended Al-Anon and open AA meetings for years in my 20s – 30s trying to get out from under the madness. I remember a recovering alcoholic talking at an open AA meeting. He is on the beach with his 4 y/o daughter and she is just loving life playing on the beach. And this man is brought to tears because in that moment he realizes two things. One is an awesome sense of gratitude for having this moment since his earlier life was ravaged by drinking. He never thought he would have someone to love like he loves his daughter. The other thing he realizes is that if he, a broken, struggling, recovering drinker can love his daughter as much as he does, imagine the kind of love God has for each of us.
Imagine. Great love. Worthiness.
Traumatized toes: still one
Blisters: Zero!
Tired of rain: very
4 weeks completed: 1 week to go
Distance from Santiago: about 175km
Buen Camino
